Let Me Love You While I Can

I wrote this song when I was in high school.  It's typical of the songs I wrote back then - fatalistic, abjectly devoted, and chock-full of words like "frangible."

I don't want to waste this moment
You are tangible and near
I wish time could stop forever
You would linger with me here
You swear you'll always love me
But I cannot ignore
How words can be so volatile
I've been hurt too much before

CHORUS:
So let me love you while I can
For a lifetime or a day
With all the power I possess
Cherish you in every way
Let no good deed go undone
Let no kind word go unsaid
Let me love you while I can
And the future lies ahead

There's so much I want to tell you
So much you have to see
I want to give a gift to you
Of all the best in me
I want to sing a song to you
Of joy without refrain
Wrap wreaths of flowers 'round your head
And bear away your pain

CHORUS

I don't want to wait
Procrastinate
And find to my dismay
We won't have the love tomorrow
That we know we have today
Let's savor every second
Leave nothing for regret
The better things that might have been
The heart cannot forget
So let's leave nothing for regret

CHORUS

I don't want to waste this moment
You are tangible and near
There's a lifetime in this moment
Love is frangible, but here

Let me love you while I can
Let me love you while I can
Let me love you

Pulchrify

Here's another song I wrote in high school.  The melody is simple, but plaintive and pretty.  I imagine it being sung almost a capella, with only a brief repeated piano part as accompaniment.  If I were ever to get serious about setting down my songs with proper musical notation, this might be a good place to start.

If compliments could pulchrify a face
I'd be almost as beautiful as you believe I am
If wishing well could mollify my raging storms of strife
If words alone could dulcify the bitter taste of life
If love could rectify a life of errors and disgrace
My life would be as wonderful as you believe I am

If blissful dreams could somehow come to life
I'd think you were a fantasy made somehow manifest
If kindliness could ease a pain as piercing as a knife
You'd turn my pangs of agony into a peaceful rest
If compliments could pulchrify a face
I'd be almost as beautiful as you believe I am

If friendly deeds could cleanse the world of harms
You'd walk ahead of me and sweep the stones out of my way
If justice could be borne in on benevolence's arms
Life would be fair in spite of all that people often say
If compliments could pulchrify a face
I'd be almost as beautiful as you believe I am

If caring thoughts could change the world somehow
My world would be a realm of perfect love and endless joy
If all your loving wishes could be realized right now
My life would ring with sweetness that no sorrow could destroy
If compliments could pulchrify a face
I'd be almost as beautiful as you believe I am

If compliments could pulchrify a face
I'd be almost as beautiful as you believe I am
If wishing well could mollify my raging storms of strife
If words alone could dulcify the bitter taste of life
If love could rectify a life of errors and disgrace
My life would be as wonderful as you believe I am
If all your love could pulchrify a life
My life would be as beautiful as you believe I am

QED

This high-concept song is typical of the stuff I wrote when I was in high school, and despite (or perhaps because of) its self-conscious cleverness, comparing the inevitability of a breakup to the elegance of a mathematical proof, it remains one of my all-time favorites.  I've translated the entire song into French (with the help of a friend), and often when I sing it now, I replace the final chorus with the French version.

Do you remember when you loved me, oh, so madly
You promised you would never let me go
I still don't understand why you treated me so badly
But that the time has come to bid farewell I know
I whisper sadly
I told you so

CHORUS:
When I predicted love would make us grieve
You said you had to see it to believe
And as you leave
I'll say "Quod erat demonstrandum"

Do you remember that I cried and wondered how we
Could keep alive this love we had let start
And you held me close and promised in that vow we
Took that night that you would never break my heart
But it seems now we
Have fallen apart

CHORUS

I knew that it would happen
I watched it all unfold
The future didn't matter
When I had you now to hold
I wanted to believe you
When you said it would last
When you were with me I forgot
The sorrows of my past
But fate caught up at last
Quod erat demonstrandum

Do you remember how with sorrow did I know what
Had to happen, disregarding love and will
Now the ties of love that once conjoined us, so cut
Leave an emptiness that only time can fill
I let you go but
I love you still

CHORUS

One more embrace
Before you go
One last embrace
I told you so

Quod erat demonstrandum
Quod erat demonstrandum

Don't Wait Up

This is a song I wrote about my emotionally abusive father, who has been dead to me for two years.  (He was never physically abusive, though I sometimes feared he would lash out at me in his anger.)  I really do have nightmares about him, although these last few months they've been fewer and farther between.  I actually did dream once, back when I was in high school, that he was choking me "just for fun" (in front of other people, too, which made it humiliating as well as painful), and belittling me when I didn't see the humor in it.  Fortunately, he never really did anything that extreme, but I was regularly the butt of his mockery when I was growing up, and he couldn't bring himself to understand why I didn't exactly appreciate it.

So why does it have to be this way?
You ask when I'll come home and I say
When you stop showing up in my nightmares
You might find me at your door one day
So don't wait up
Don't leave the light on for me

Playfully you try to choke me
Back off and say it's just a joke, see?
It's so damn funny to provoke me
But the red marks on my neck are sore
And my throat hurts too much to laugh

So why does it have to be this way?
You ask when I'm coming home and I say
If these wounds ever heal without scars
You might find me at your door one day
So don't wait up
Don't leave the light on for me
And get angry when you see the electric bill

It's not my fault but go ahead, blame me
If it makes you feel better, go ahead, maim me
If it's so damn funny then go ahead, shame me
You say you're laughing with me, not at me
Funny thing is, I'm not laughing
So go ahead, strike me, push me, shove me
Tell me it's because you love me

All bulbs burn out eventually
So don't get up now
To turn the light on for me

Driftin'

Over a decade ago, when I was in high school, I started writing songs.  I don't play an instrument or write musical notation, but I enjoy composing lyrics, and often the tunes just come to me.  I've made up silly little ditties since childhood (a heartfelt ballad I loved to sing in the bathtub when I was about eight, on the subject of "Green beans, stretched across the highway for miles and miles," seems to have earned a permanent place in our family lore), but I believe this was my first serious attempt at songwriting.  I've written several dozen more songs since then, but "Driftin'" remains a favorite.

Technically, the song doesn't begin with the first verse.  It's meant to open with a repeated "Na-na-na," sung to the tune of the chorus.  I wasn't about to type it all out, but in the interest of completeness I thought I should mention it.  Oh, and there's meant to be a second voice joining the singer for both the opening "Na-na-nas" and the final chorus.

It takes some sorrow now and then
To show how love can grow again
Without a few unhappy scenes
We could not know what true joy means
So stand up tall when things go wrong
For struggling will make us strong
Will make us strong

CHORUS:
And I know we're driftin' apart
But you have a place here in my heart
Too much we've shared, too much we've cared
To let this fall apart
So can we make a new start
No matter how far we're apart

I am always gonna find my way right back to you
And you will find you're driftin' back to me

We must forgive and be forgiven
If we desire joy in livin'
The seed of love that we two hold
Can linger through the winter's cold
And when the warmer breezes blow
That little seed will grow and grow
Will grow and grow

CHORUS

You are always gonna find your way right back to me
And I will find I'm driftin' back to you

Well, it won't always be easy
But we can make it through
There are some depths in me
That I can only share with you
Well, I know you need your space sometimes
And yeah, I need some too
But this is not the end, you see
Because I know that you love me
And I love you

CHORUS

I am always gonna find my way right back to you
Yes, we shall find we're driftin' back to us

Tree

These are the lyrics to a song I wrote over ten years ago, when I was in high school.  It is the song of an all-consuming love that "does not seek its own."  I always had a certain special fondness for it, though I never shared it with anyone, thinking the sentiments a bit too abject, the excess of devotion almost pathetic.  Last August, I shared it with a friend, and she told me it was beautiful and I should blog it.  I told her I would, as soon as I got all my old writings out of storage.  This is the fulfillment of that promise.

You're the tree that grows in the center of my garden
My stately source of shade and pleasure
Your loveliness is constant through the passing of the seasons
The least of your leaves is my treasure
I'm a flower that blooms in the bounty of your garden
One blushing rose among your many
That you love for their colors soft and fragrance sweet
Without truly cherishing any

And I wish I could be your tree
Though I know that can never be
But out of all the flowers in your garden here arrayed
I'll be the first at dawn to open, the last to close at nightfall
And this flower is never going to fade

You're the sun that burns at the focus of my heavens
Vitality every ray giving
I shall turn my face forever to your radiant light and warmth
Sustaining everything living
I'm a star that shines in your vast expanse of heavens
One among too many to number
Too plentiful to matter but who guard your night
Watching over your slumber

And I wish I could be your sun
But I am what I am, and what's done is done
Yet out all the stars in the evening sky displayed
I'll be the first at dusk to greet you, the last you see at daybreak
And this star is never going to fade

Yes, I am your flower
And you are my tree
I am your river
You are my sea
I'm a pearl in your necklace
You're my diamond ring
I'm just another passerby
But you're my everything

Well, I wish I could be your tree
Though I know that can never be
And I wish I could be your sun
But I am what I am, and what's done is done
But even one flower can bring delight
One star can be a guide through the long and lonely night
And as long as you may need me, I'll be standing here unswayed
For my love for you is never going to fade